Waiting

My left eyelid is twitching furiously as I write this.  It’s been doing it for the last 3 days, intermittently.  Waiting for it to pass and hoping no one misconstrues my eye rubbing and winking to mean anything other than I’ve got an itchy, twitchy eye.  My whole head feels fuzzy at the moment, weighted with sadness and frustration and boredom.  I’ve not felt so down for some time, I just want to lie in bed and sleep.  I contemplated ringing in sick, but that’s just not me so I forced myself to get up and journey into work.  Part of the problem is that ‘work’ isn’t much of a distraction, I’ve hardly anything to do.  Sitting at a desk for 8 hours trying to fill in the time is in itself quite disheartening.  I know I’ve talked about it before, it sounds great doing nothing… but after a few days it’s really not.  I also know I can go from doing nothing to being crazy busy in the blink of an eye… blink…blink… no, not yet.

Apart from my professional slump and wondering what to do there are other, real, heart-breaking situations involving my dearest friends that are making me feel unhappy.  Because I can’t help and I can’t make things better for them and they’re some of the nicest people you would ever meet so why are these things happening to them?  One has cancer and her treatment isn’t working.  There are other options, but I know she is tired of all of it.  She has a 3 year old who is gorgeous and needs his Mummy.  I can only remain hopeful and try to be as positive and strong as she is herself and do anything I can to help get her through this.  Of the options, quitting is not one of them.

My oldest childhood friend who I’ve known for 34 years was recently pregnant, I was touching her bump just a few weeks ago, but there were complications and the baby was delivered at just shy of 6 months; she was born sleeping.  This was devastating news and I can’t even begin to imagine how they must all be feeling.  She has a little girl who was looking forward to being a big sister, they’re amazing parents; where is the justice in all this?

I continue to wait for some good news, this year has not delivered much of it.  It seems everyone has their own suffering and to most, you’d never even know.  I acknowledge that I currently have very little to moan about personally, I am grateful for all that I have, I just wish I could do more to help my friends, to help make their pain and sorrow go away.  Others tell me all I can do is be there for them, it just doesn’t feel like enough.

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