Been sitting on my butt all morning, so I decided to go for a walk at lunchtime. I’m in a small office by myself, so I largely talk to no one for most of the day other than via written methods. I was, by lunchtime, not even in the mood to talk to anyone having various musings about boredom and frustration swirling round my brain, so I plugged my very visible headphones into my phone, placed them on my lugholes and set off listening to some old tunes. What a ruse, I thought! No one will approach me in the shops now, it is quite clear from my giant headphones that I do not want to be spoken to! I thought this was remarkably clever and couldn’t believe I hadn’t tried it before… How wrong I was! Perhaps I looked especially dodgy and overt, trying too hard to not be spoken to that the shopkeepers felt compelled to come over and ask me if I needed any help, despite not really being able to hear them so they had to come especially close (invasion of space- another pet hate!) in order for me to know that, yes, I’m talking to you whether you like it or not. No, my music wasn’t ridiculously loud, I’m not trying to make myself deaf, they’re just good noise cancelling headphones.
We’re not in America here. It’s not all ‘hi, how are you today?’ as soon as you step foot over the threshold. If I wanted help, I’d ask for it! And if I DID actually want help no doubt the assistants would be nowhere to be found, because that’s how it goes! It’s one of those unwritten rules. Over attentive shop assistants eyeing you like you’re a thief just because you’re idly browsing should be banned. Let me look in peace. Look at the visual clues I’m providing that are screaming ‘leave me alone!’ I didn’t see them approaching anyone else in the shop, why pick the one person perusing un-obstructively by themselves?
Sure, some people like chatting. Me, not so much. Obviously I am an introvert, I’m uncomfortable often in big social situations. I figured out the other day that my ideal number of people to be talking in a group to is 3, including me. 4 at a push. Obviously 2 is great, but that’s not really a group. Any more than 4 and I’m rendered practically silent, always missing the moment to interject with my relevant anecdotes/information/comments. I’m not interested in being the loudest or shouting over others, to me more isn’t necessarily merrier- I prefer quality small group conversations. So that’s out there now, that’s just how I am. Rant over.
My left eyelid is twitching furiously as I write this. It’s been doing it for the last 3 days, intermittently. Waiting for it to pass and hoping no one misconstrues my eye rubbing and winking to mean anything other than I’ve got an itchy, twitchy eye. My whole head feels fuzzy at the moment, weighted with sadness and frustration and boredom. I’ve not felt so down for some time, I just want to lie in bed and sleep. I contemplated ringing in sick, but that’s just not me so I forced myself to get up and journey into work. Part of the problem is that ‘work’ isn’t much of a distraction, I’ve hardly anything to do. Sitting at a desk for 8 hours trying to fill in the time is in itself quite disheartening. I know I’ve talked about it before, it sounds great doing nothing… but after a few days it’s really not. I also know I can go from doing nothing to being crazy busy in the blink of an eye… blink…blink… no, not yet.
Apart from my professional slump and wondering what to do there are other, real, heart-breaking situations involving my dearest friends that are making me feel unhappy. Because I can’t help and I can’t make things better for them and they’re some of the nicest people you would ever meet so why are these things happening to them? One has cancer and her treatment isn’t working. There are other options, but I know she is tired of all of it. She has a 3 year old who is gorgeous and needs his Mummy. I can only remain hopeful and try to be as positive and strong as she is herself and do anything I can to help get her through this. Of the options, quitting is not one of them.
My oldest childhood friend who I’ve known for 34 years was recently pregnant, I was touching her bump just a few weeks ago, but there were complications and the baby was delivered at just shy of 6 months; she was born sleeping. This was devastating news and I can’t even begin to imagine how they must all be feeling. She has a little girl who was looking forward to being a big sister, they’re amazing parents; where is the justice in all this?
I continue to wait for some good news, this year has not delivered much of it. It seems everyone has their own suffering and to most, you’d never even know. I acknowledge that I currently have very little to moan about personally, I am grateful for all that I have, I just wish I could do more to help my friends, to help make their pain and sorrow go away. Others tell me all I can do is be there for them, it just doesn’t feel like enough.