Moonshine magic.

Maybe it’s because it’s almost a full moon and the tides are turning.  Maybe it’s because the sun is trying to poke out through the bubbling clouds.  Maybe it’s because I’m listening to some nostalgic old school songs and they’re making me feel pretty darn happy.  Whatever it is, right now is good.  Seems like things are on the up.  Small victories perhaps, but victories nonetheless.

Sometimes you have to take the little wins- the fact that a parking ticket got cancelled, that you managed to track down a small indpendent shop the other side of the world and they were willing to send a replacement for a hat that had been lost, that the dog has seen the vet and will be fine!  Hurrah!  It all adds up and so I’m feeling productive and positive.

Perhaps it’s just because there’s one more week at work until a holiday week… always helps!  😉

 

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But it’s just a party…

So, I’m engaged, have been since last Christmas.  It only took 34 years to find Mr Right, then another 4 to get to where we are now (a lot later than some, but if this is something you think about perhaps this is a it’s never too late story…).  Most of my friends are already married with 2.4 children, I’ve attended a fair share of weddings- some peers already on their second marriage before I even got a hint of a proposal!  That doesn’t matter though, being married doesn’t define who you are, not to me.  In fact I was always rather anti marriage, stating that it is just a very expensive piece of paper.  It really is.  But one that I’m now ready and willing (and excited) to buy.  Recently I’ve been planning the wedding, having always thought- well, it’s just a big party, right?  Hell, no- had no idea how complicated it can get!

We’re trying to do it on a budget, but I can see how easily costs spiral out of control.  I believe you can spend a lot less than we are and still have an amazing day, but somehow the ideas in my head started taking a grip and only x would do for the ceremony and the reception venue had to be y.  This was all after a considerable amount of research- flitting from getting married abroad with a select few, to eloping by ourselves, to eventually deciding actually we’d like our friends and family to celebrate with us- and now it is all coming together, the date is set for next year and I just really hope it will be a fun and relaxed day.

My main concern isn’t about the venue or anything like that though, but other people.  Everyone always says it is your day, do what you want- hard to do that when you’re really trying not to offend anyone or leave anyone out (when in reality they probably couldn’t give a rats).  So I’m inviting people I haven’t spoken to you for several years because we were friends at school (yes, why?!), picked a specific date so people with children could get babysitters more easily (yes I have drawn the line at bringing children, even this has been a bone of contention in my head, though in fact I think most of my friends are pleased to have a night off) and generally tried to plan to please everyone.  Impossible!

I do have some very wise friends who’ve been here and done it already and they assure me that the people that count will attend, and if not then it’s their loss.  They will be missing a party after all!

I just hope that, when the day rolls around, all these little stresses will melt away, that I’ll wonder why on earth I was getting het up, and that we’ll just enjoy the entire day, along with everyone that turns up!  I do, I do, I do!

Under the surface.

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Outwardly we all appear similar, underneath we are all bubbling with idiosyncrasies and memories unique to our very own short stints on this Earth.  Scratch away at the top layers and, if a person is willing, you can discover what’s underneath.  Sometimes it’s better not to know.

But for each and every one of us there lies some magical long hidden memories that might only be triggered into consciousness because we hear a song, or smell a certain scent, see a particular object… and right there in the midst of everything we can vividly remember moments of joy.  And despair.  (But I’d rather focus on the positive.)  What was once a rippled, faded and distorted image comes sharply into focus as you travel back in time, even if just for a few seconds.  Recalling events that have moulded us and made us into who we are, that can carry us forward, give us inspiration, hope, comfort.

I’m listening to some music and suddenly I’m 14 and at Wembley Stadium, the artist is about to come on stage, there’s a surge in the crowd as everyone clamours to get closer to the front… I start to go forwards with everyone else until I feel a hand on my neckline hoiking me back- my big brother!  Looking after me, making sure we don’t get separated, then viewing together what is still the best concert I’ve ever seen, with the best brother anyone could ask for.

Memories of experiences like that bring a smile to my face and remind me of who I once was and that the excitable little girl still lives on inside of me, somewhere, under the surface.

 

Luxury of time

Luxury of time

I’m thinking about what luxury is.  The immediate images that spring to mind are things like 5 star hotels, holidays in the Seychelles, movie star lifestyles… things that most of us can only dream about.  Extreme luxury.

To some luxury might just be a chocolate bar.  A bed to sleep on.  A trip to the seaside.  Things that we might take for granted.

It depends where you’re coming from as to what luxury is.  Sometimes maybe it’s better being near the bottom of the heap because any slight perk seems like a luxury, you can be much more appreciative.  But to struggle is not the goal, not for anyone.  And no matter where you are in life, gratitude is always important.

I have time on my hands.  Some would say this is  luxury.  It can be both a blessing and a curse.  Feels like time has slowed down, as I watch the clock waiting for midday when I can leave the office and go waste an hour somewhere else.  Doing nothing makes the brain tick though, even if the clock doesn’t seem to be.  No distractions, just thoughts bubbling away.  Is this it?  Why am I doing this?  What else can I do?  Is it better than before?  And can I do this for x number of years, until my time is up… is it just time wasted??  WHAT CAN I DO???  What should I be doing…

When you’ve got lots to do, doing nothing is a joy.  When you’ve got nothing to do, doing nothing is tiresome.  I thought when you grew up these sorts of dilemmas went away, that you knew what your aims were and that’s it, you get on.  I still feel lost.  And in reality, time is slipping away.