Lately I’ve been contemplating things as they stand. You know sometimes you just have those days where you question everything, things that you thought you’d resolved or come to terms with creep back into your mind and the carousel spins on. The doubts about what you’re doing, or where you’re going… if anywhere.
Yesterday was the anniversary of a death of a close friend, inevitably there were posts on facebook remembering him (he himself would never have gone on facebook!) He was very much loved and an inspirational character. Someone wondered if he would be proud of them and what they’re doing, which got me thinking about my own situation. And comparing it to everyone else. Social benchmarking- never a good idea. I’ve been told I’m not good at just being content; by more than one person, at completely different times in my life. They’ve said I always want something else, used grass is greener analogies and commented that not everyone is in professions they love… that in fact most people aren’t. I tend to feel like I’m a failure intermittently (regardless of whether I am or not), yesterday was one of those days. I left a profession which is sometimes deemed as worthwhile, virtuous perhaps, to sit in an office and sometimes do very little indeed. Same sector, completely different job. So there I was thinking what am I doing? Is this it? I’m not wildly successful, not following my dreams (I’m not entirely sure what they are at the moment), not highly paid, not anything… But then I was reminded- I have a job. I get paid. I have my flat. I have a wonderful fiancé and a soppy dog who I love crazy amounts. I have achieved things, travelled, taught for 10 years and had the courage to leave because it wasn’t for me. Who’s to say this is failing? Could I do more? Perhaps. I’m training for a 10k run. I visit friends and family, I like to think I’m there for them when they need me. If I could change something, more than wanting a fantastic job, it’s that I wish I saw more of my friends. I’ve come to realise that personal happiness is more important to me than having an amazing career. For some people the two might be linked. But I spent years working every hour God sends and feeling that however much I did it was never enough, it just wasn’t enjoyable. I feel like now I have more balance and that has to be a good thing.
You often read articles about how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. It’s true. It’s not to say our lives don’t matter, they do to us and to our loved ones, but we’re a speck on the horizon shortly to be out of sight and gone forever. Perhaps we should stop giving ourselves such a hard time, stop comparing our lives to those around us- what is great for one person is dastardly for another. Time to appreciate what I have, while I have it and be grateful for it all.