It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I got busy, I guess. And now one of the biggest events of my life is approaching at terminal velocity and I’m finally having a few minutes to actually think about it. The Big Day is less than 2 weeks away, everything is ordered, dresses and suits are ready, hair trials completed, venues booked; there is nothing left to do but enjoy it. Except I can’t. Because I am a ball of anxiety. Just waiting for something to go wrong. Which it probably will, but not to the catastrophic scale that I am imagining. What’s the worst that could happen? His ex bursting in at the ‘does anybody object’ part, he doesn’t turn up, someone dying in the days before it happens… logically, the likelihood of anything like this occurring is extremely low. Not impossible, but not likely.
I had my hair done yesterday, this is a rare treat for me. Half of me was really enjoying it, while the other half was worrying about an adverse reaction to the products used and thinking my face would swell up and my body would shut down- really ridiculous, and any sane person would say just that- stop being ridiculous. In fact, Husband-to-be took my phone off me when he saw me googling ‘reactions to hair dye’, despite me not having any reactions except a slight itch, probably a psychosomatic one at that. I actually feel like I am going mad.
I’ve always been an anxious person, but I thought I was doing pretty well with it lately. The last few years I’ve settled down and felt actually rather positive about life. Just a few weeks ago I was positively brimming with confidence and feeling like a winner, like finally everything was just going great. What’s burst the bubble? I don’t know. My dog was ill and I was instantly panicking about him, the joy turned to tears because I didn’t know what to do, visited an emergency vet and he said he would be fine. I vaguely relaxed but spent the whole night listening to my poor hound pacing around not able to get comfortable. The next day he actually was fine, it had been an upset tummy that’s all. But that started a spiral of negative thoughts I suppose and imagining of terrible scenarios… I had been too upbeat, things were going too well, it was obviously time for that to change! And yet, no, nothing has changed. That was just a bump, everything is fine. I just need to learn to control/switch off these calamitous thoughts and focus on reality. I have a lot to look forward to, I’m very fortunate at the moment and I have supportive people that put up with my crazy and reign me back in when I start to float away with it. So I should get back to savouring this time, not shunning it in a panic, and enjoy what will hopefully be a relaxed day filled with love!